There you are–an innocent, sweet pregnant lady, present in some store or other public place for the sole purpose of getting your business done. Nothing you do or say incurs strangers to approach or speak to you, but, alas, the blooming belly–small or large–for some odd reason allures them anyway. Then, inevitably, their mouths open and begin to utter nosy, annoying, or even strange things, all of which are directed at your physique or the child whom you carry. The reason behind why strangers feel obligated to make themselves look so silly when you’re in the season of pregnancy baffles me. But, in hindsight, they are kinda humorous–especially when you have something witty to say in return.
Below is a list of some of these peculiar questions or comments–all of which I really was asked whilst pregnant (some I heard only once, others, a whole lot more). Following each is what I wish my response had been, but I wasn’t so quick in the moment (and even if I was, I doubt I’d have had the courage to say them)!
- “You know what causes that, right?”
“Yes! And it was a LOT of fun! You should really try it sometime!”
- “Guess there must be something in the water!”
“Actually, my husband and I had sex. Lots and lots of sex.” *Said with a goofy grin while wiggling eyebrows up and down.*
- “Wow! Are you having twins?”
“No, but thank you for making me feel more like a blue whale (which is the largest mammal ever, by the way) rather than an average one!”
- “I sure hope you’re married!”
“I sure hope you’re not!”
- “Wow, you’re gonna have your hands FULL!”
“Better full than empty.” (A great response that a friend came up with).
- “Did you get stretch marks?”
“Yes, I did! Would you like to see?” *Commence lifting shirt…*
- “Whoa, do I need to call 9-1-1?”
“Well, you should probably wait until I’m in labor…which would be like 6 months from now…”
- “Have you had the baby yet?” I was asked this at the three dumbest times: 1) when I was 9 full months pregnant and roughly the size of a cow and OBVIOUSLY still VERY pregnant, 2) 6 months AFTER I’d already had the baby (when this comment was actually hurtful), and 3) while I am carrying the baby…in my ARMS!
*Blank stare, mouth hanging open, occasionally blinking.*
- “Have you put on weight?”
“Really, how much?”
“About __ pounds.” Amount (a lot or a little) doesn’t matter, the next question still happens.
“Really? Holy cow! How do you plan on losing all that weight?”
- “Are you SURE there’s just one in there?”
“Well, a second one didn’t suddenly appear since you asked 5 seconds ago, so, yeah.”
- “There’s GOTTA be more than one in there!”
*Glare so hard your eyes are almost shut.*
- “You must be feeling the heat!” (Said on a summer day in the 90’s or above).
“And non-pregnant people…don’t?”
- “You must be retaining water! That means you’ve been eating too much chocolate.”
Srsly? *Blank stare, one eyebrow raised, awkward silence…*
- “You look like you’re about to POP!”
“Yeah, it must be twins, huh?” At this point, you just gotta embrace it…
- “Can I touch your belly?”
“Can I touch YOUR belly?”